Guitar Wifie



A beautiful tale passed down through ancient social media folklore, one that would pluck on all two of your heartstrings as you watch it recounted in an X-Factor audition's warm-up speel.

The transitional sound of music as you shift atwixt the dual shopping arcades of Schoolhill, briefly forgoing the artificial warmth of mall doors and submerging yourself in the stream of faceless shoppers. A music that dictates the pace of street life for all of a minute or so as you wait for the damned traffic lights to let you back into that veritable womb of retail units.

Note that the term 'music' is used here in its loosest sense as Aberdeen's famous Guitar Wifie belts out her tuneless ode to the Roma life, smilingly acknowleging the donations of loose change and obligingly enduring a selfies with obnoxious wanks. Originally she could be seen plucking aimlessly at a battered old guitar with only two wildly untuned strings, a gesture which either displayed a distinct lack of desire to expand her repetoire of riffs beyond an octave or so, or perhaps it acted as nod to more traditional instruments of the East like the dombra .....or..... maybe someone just bumped the other 3 strings?

Most of those enchanted by her ever changing ballad of Bon Accord would lean toward the first of those three options - and by doing so would to eschew all traditional tenets of snobby, cultured musical appreciation in favour of the raw acoustic passion that lies within her ample bosom. She obviously just doesn't feel the need to adhere to Western musical traditions in the same way as say, y'know, canonical artists like Pitbull, One Direction or Cher Lloyd. As youtube uploader, and I'm assuming, seasoned musicologist TheRalphy120 puts it " I don't think she knows any real cords but she has immaculate rhythm".

This may sound like a very cynical appraisal of this woman's busking talents, nevertheless, her decidication seems to finally be paying some dividends in terms of her music career - not only has she upgraded to a fully functional guitar and learned a discernable chord or two - she also commands a following of 13,000+ on her Facebook page (I shit you not, see for yourself:  https://www.facebook.com/GuitarWifie) - here's hoping this means she gets that audition spot for real, and sees it develop into a fully fleged tour of the UK's premiere shopping facilities.

Of course, this might just have to occur in our own alternate timeline - where the chromatic scale was never discovered, and Stars In Their Eyes has been resurrected in Romania just for this kind of thing.

"Tonight Andrei, I'm going to be the Roma Guitar Wife of Aberdeen"

"Well then, take it away..."

*camera pans out toward backup dancers spinning River Island tote bags under the glow of a Burger King sign*

"Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy rrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiyiyiyiyiyiyi"